Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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