this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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