sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize