he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
