i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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