I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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