Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
