my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
