exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
