I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
