Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
