I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Can Purell be used as lube?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
