I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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