She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
