we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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