I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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