respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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