im drinking this country out of the recession.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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