the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
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