Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
