My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
