you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
