True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
