3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
