sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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