There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
We named our party play list daddy issues
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Randomize
