Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
