oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
