apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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