I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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