Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
birth control should be required to get into college
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I want to fling myself into the sun
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
