i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
