There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
i've created a new STD.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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