He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
