Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
