that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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