she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
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