Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize