I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
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