she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
