Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
