I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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