I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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