I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
