9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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