there's paper in my vomit.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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