In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
