We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
