Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
