I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
