I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
