My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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