You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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