Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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