take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I wish there were birth control emojis
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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