I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I queefed so loud it echoed.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
