she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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