Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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