apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
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