Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
