soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
