Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize