Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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