my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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